It's the end of the world... or is it?

Why is it that modern history always is portrayed in the direst of straights and in the presence of some kind of unbeatable crisis? Somehow our problems are worse than any previously seen and we must put forth a heroic effort in order to save the world and claim our spots of glory in the annals of history. Well, this all makes for an interesting and dramatic story, but despite these epic portrayals of our past and our current situation, things always seem to pan out and work out just fine. Take an example from our history, the Cuban Missile Crisis. Although the US and Russia nearly took the world to the brink of nuclear war, they didn’t. The Cold War had been going on long enough that if the two countries really wanted to fight, they would have done so already; there would be no reason to start with the missile crisis. Our history, along with current affairs, is overly dramatized.

We are not to blame though; the entities responsible for keeping us in a constant state of panic and spoon feeding us this garbage are the cable news networks. These news networks are businesses, more concerned with profits and ratings than reporting actual news. With intense transition graphics and politically skewed “experts” these networks report the most trivial and petty news just to fill their twenty-four hour broadcast. Twenty-four hour news means that news stations are more likely to make news out of scandals and controversies than report news of actual importance because they have more time that they need to fill. This kind of news is bad especially for the viewer, because even though the news may be dumb, the general public thinks it is important because it is in the news. Take the murder of Natalee Holloway in Aruba. The hours and hours spent on news coverage for this story were astounding. Murders are bad and all, but do we need a media boom over something that will have almost no impact on our lives other than causing us to completely insane from the omnipresent coverage of this story? There are plenty of other murders around the world to report. Another example of an overblown story in more recent and relevant terms would be our country’s current “recession”. The cable news networks currently spew talk of a recession in the present and in the coming months when in reality we are no where near such a status. Sure, the Gross Domestic Product (GDP) is less than previous years, but it still does not signify a recession. In economic terms, a recession is marked by a negative growth in the GDP for two consecutive quarters. Amidst all of this talk about recession, the GDP growth rate has remained positive the entire time.

So what entertainment will the news come up with next? Who knows? Maybe there will be a new threat to the survival of the human race to fill a primetime slot on CNN. Oh Wait, there already is such a story- global warming. 

Climatology, the commoner's profession

Why is it that everyone seems to be a climatologist or scientist of some sort these days? Every time there is a sudden change of weather or a storm, at least one person always says, "Well, it must be global warming!" Everything is caused by global warming--hot weather, cold weather, any fluctuation in the norm. Just the other day, San Francisco was a little warm--GLOBAL WARMING shouted one of my teachers. Even those who shout that global warming causes massive hurricanes and superstorms are wrong. In fact, in a new study by Dr Knutson and colleagues from the National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) at Princeton, New Jersey, global warming does not cause an increase in hurricanes--rather, it would decrease the numbers and increase the strength.

Since when does the common man have the authority to link global warming to any local climate change? Global warming is now a scapegoat for our problems. Soon, our failing economy, the housing crisis, the "war on terror," and even celebrity divorces will be attributed to this massive evil.

Prank Of The Week

I've laughed at my share of pranks. Table-topping the freshman, whipped cream on the nose, or even the innocent wedgie. It's all in fun. Anyway, I've decided to scrounge around, pick a funny prank for the week, and show it to the world. Who knows if this will really end up being a weekly thing? I'll probably just post whenever I feel like it (whimsical, bored, or hungover), but if someone gets owned, you'll hear it from ME--even if it's biannually. If anyone is offended by any of these pranks, or has been subject to one, we would like to kindly express that we don't give the last horse excrement. Go cry in the comments section if it makes you feel better. Without further ado, your first weekly feature of condescending goodness...

-AKA


This week's prank:

Seniors from a high school somewhere south of San Francisco staged a phenomenal prank by placing cups filled with water on EVERY stair in the school, knocking down the barriers between every bathroom stall in the school, and hanging a stuffed goat behind the front doors.

EDIT: It looks like they also duct taped essential doors shut.

Pictures:

Rant Poems

Reality TV by Nicolas Hernandez

Right now beyond the empty streets echoing phantom laughter, beyond the high gates and unbreachable walls, beyond the tick of a solitary clock

The covens of Visigoths convene, mindlessly murmuring moth eaten chants, marinates dancing to soulless rituals

Savages disguised in the latest fashions masking their bloodlust in perfumes and coveting the idols’ promise of fool’s gold

Lacking wisdom, they congregate in a fancy ballroom to pick and rip at each other in hushed voices

From the cities of sparkling lights to the hovels in the dingy hillside they retreat in solidarity watching their lord, the bright screen emanating human suffering

Blank faces blank minds, lying on floors with needles in their arms, hooked up to the latest, their souls bled out long ago, a stain and a stench that won’t come out

Rejecting the last human whisper, they bashfully deny existence and turn to the mechanical monster for an explanation

Eagerly, the claw of Charon plucks the last leaves from the dying tree, and tosses them into the river Styx

They shriek delightfully at the simple exhibition of human pain, their faces spin and voices fade as they sink into quiet insanity.

The Machine by Joe Blagga (N. Jose)

“Right now”

A phrase perverted to the American will

Dictating demands that cannot be filled.

“Right now”

Write a paper, take a test,

Take a test while writing a paper

Do it, Right now

So you’ll get into a good school, a good job.

They say, the two faces,

The angels and devils, cry.

No rest, no time to think

No time to wonder why we must do what they say.

No time to wonder where happiness flows from.

“Right now”

Give me answers the ants say,

Their puny minds not able to wait for one minute,

Until given the drug.

“Right now”

The disease infects all

Blind to everything except what lies directly

in front of the tracks of hell.

No freedom to look around or stay in place

“Right now”

Infants spit out on the assembly line

And proceed to be molded and shaped into machines

Until they break or run out of oil

The final value estimated by the efficiency and speed

That work is completed at.

The whole determines the value of one

like scientists betting on a rat race

whose rats eventually become mindless brains

Completing endless chores to

Fit the mold of the machinist

And fit the needs of those who

Say “right now”

And agree to their laws.

If not, we are filthy hobos, lazy-asses, and radical scum,

Unable to live in a planet where trash, trinkets, and HDTV’s

Are the only source of energy,

and die in the city of steel, a cold, giant machine

of locked pavement and closed doors.

Rant Subprime- Kyle Stranahan

Right now its ten thousand thundering typhoons!

Big blue blistering barnacles,

Great gatherings of Gatsbys and brimming ballrooms of bastards,

The poor people couldn’t pay the price of their preempted peril,

Like calling the lightning of lordly measure down upon themselves,

Dangerously dangling the deceptive deed to the American dream,

Cautiously carrying the coveted carrot in front of the dumb horse’s nose,

No bales of bail outs for the horse or the driver,

Too focused on the carrot and not the road ahead.

Danica!

I know I'm a bit late to rant on this, but I couldn't let it pass by. A few days ago Danica hit a member of another racing team's crew during a race. If this isn't proof as to why she shouldn't be a PROFESSIONAL driver I don't know what is. She drives for a living, you would think she could avoid hitting someone. 

I also consider her one and only victory a complete farce. As I've said before, the race wasn't even in America, where the real racing happens. As far as it being an achievement for women, that's a joke as well. Its a race for Pete's sakes, not a freaking civil rights movement on wheels. Women should be able to advance to more aspects of society, but saying this is a milestone for women is ridiculous. 

Even though it was the victim's fault for stepping in front of her vehicle, you have to admit it's pretty funny. But facetiously, Would you feel safe with this menace behind the wheel?

Eating in the Chemistry Classroom

What the heck is up with not being able to eat in the chemistry classroom? Its the only class with marble floors and there is more sinks than I can count on my one hand. There is even an eye wash station in the case that my tangerine shoots citrus juice into my eyes. Which doesn't even hurt that bad.

Am I going to get chemicals on my food? We only use chemicals at the lab station. I am not going to go up to a lab table and rub my delicious turkey sandwhich with mayonaisse, provolone, and occasionally bacon for extra protein on the gross black countertop. The people in the chemistry room more than ever should know that acids taste sour and bases taste bitter, either of the two tastes would not make a good combination with my sweet peanut butter and banana sandwhiches. Great source of calcium.

So inconclusion the chemistry classroom should have bigger concerns. Like the fact that only one person in AP chemistry will receive an A this semester.

English Accents in the Media

Why must the American media use the English accent to give some sort of bearing and authority to any statement? Are all English people inherently polite and smart? I have watched too many commercials where the advertiser is a distinguished professor with a pronounced English accent, too many US tv shows where the only British person on the set is the announcer. I especially hate it when actors portraying ancient Greek or Roman personalities (like in Gladiator) somehow achieve these weird English accents although English wasn't even spoken in ancient Rome--this goes for Star Wars as well.

I'm not saying that the English accent shouldn't be used at all--British actors and filmmakers have every right to speak in their native tounge.

I used to be ok with English people, but the media has exploited their accent and the stereotypical "smartness" that goes along with it to such an extent that English accents have become quite annoying. I'm sure the English would agree with me on this as well--not all British have the pronounced RP accent, and not all are of the highest caliber in every respect. I just hate it when people hear the English and say, "Ooo, that guy is smart, look at how he talks, all educated-like. Let's buy that thing he is selling."

If people really wanted to use and exploit stereotypes to sell products, like car insurance, why not use an Asian accent to do this--I mean, aren't those the smartest people on the planet?

Americana

Who doesn't love apple pie and white picket fences? Fourth of July, suburbs, fireworks, family,

-stability. Going down the street and actually knowing your neighbors. Wearing your sunday best. Summer road trips, vacations, the enrichment of one's character. Baseball. Going to a prep school, going to college, getting a job. Growing old, having had a good life, sitting in the balmy sun on the porch and enjoying the rest of your days. This is America. Who could ask for anything more?

Country in General Pt.1

What has happened to today's conception of country music? Is country no more than pop music with a twang? Why does it receive similar reactions to one mentioning rap or techno? These reactions are usually in extremes, I find, and are either very positive or negative. 

But country as a whole has very redeeming qualities, despite the flack it may receive from certain audiences. With country music, a distinct imagery is evoked, as one hearkens back to the "good ol" days, or at least what we know from the movies. The imagery is not the only thing to be noted however, as the pure musical value should be closely examined. First, the guitar, or in many cases, the steel guitar plays a vital role in the country sound. Its twang and range of playing styles provide the needed base, (aside from rhythm and drums) from which the country sound springs. 

Why do people like Hannah Montana a.k.a. Miley Cyrus?

Why the hell do people like Hannah Montana? She is just another plastic bimbo who is corrupting America's youth. Her TV show is horrendous and her music is the most fabricated sugar pop ever. Yet her tours sell out in every city and her concert movie made $29 million during Super Bowl weekend. Recent news reports indicate that she will be writing a memoir. Who in their right mind would publish, let alone read her story? Miley's Memoir, the story of how a talentless pubescent hack became a media powerhouse and multi-millionaire.

Why Is Yahoo! Retarded?

I don't understand the way that Yahoo! runs their homepage. Why, on God's great, green earth, do they put such petty and outright retarded headlines? I don't care if a stupid kitten can open a door or if a panda sneezes or if the next loser got kicked off of American Idol. This all might be understandable on slow news days, but even when there is actual news they post this kind of crap.  

Rant - Non-rhyming Poems

We all know great poems that read like songs such as "The Road Not Taken", but then there are the less-difficult to write poems that don't have a rhyme scheme such as An "Old Man's Winter Night." Robert Frost wrote both these poems, but i theorize he bummed off in writing the latter (maybe it was 4:20? I will say no more) I'm going to do something I should've done ever since I layed eyes on the calamaties of haikus and rhymescheme-less poems: Deliver justice to these pushovers.
Literary fanatacists hold these poetic disasters within the sanctuary of the term "art", but I wish I could rip them out, line them up, and have a forced recall for these faulty products because they are nothing but sorry excuses for narratives without the grace of punctuation, grammar, or lyrical tone. Now these pseudo-poets and Thorouhge (I refuse to spell his name correctly because I refuse to conform to his defective wills) will come knocking at my door, begging me, "How can we get our message told?" USE A NARRATIVE OR PROSE. I cannot stress enough how many times I shirked my grammar and punctuation when I was younger because I took these gremlins as formal prose when fitting a tune to the tale failed.
Boycott these works that try to pass as poems. Are your standards for entertainment so low? Force the authors to actually put thought into rhyme schemes and/or consider switching their work to another form of literature and/or art.

Five Dolla Holla

What's with the five dollar footlong sandwich? Why the five dolla holla? What' the deal? Has Subway gone too far? 

Now we all remember the "five dolla holla" on  Yahoo!. The holla depicts a "bling" Abraham Lincoln, in promotion of the five dollar footlong sandwich at Subway. I discovered the atrocity one Saturday afternoon while checking my fantasy baseball stats. For the price of an annoying pop-up and crap flash animations, one receives the privilege of giving someone the "five dolla holla".  Not only is the holla a disgrace to your inbox, it is also a disgrace to Abraham Lincoln, one of our greatest presidents.  Abraham Lincoln should not have been mocked simply for the purpose of selling a foots worth of fat-people food.